She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
