Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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