pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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