Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
