True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
