i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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