I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
