You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
