Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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