She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize