My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
