she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
