i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
