My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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