I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize