You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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