I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
