HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
