you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
