I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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