Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
