I think im going to throw up on grandma
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
