started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
