how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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