there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
