I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
