If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
