paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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