apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
