I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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