I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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