My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
then he tried to convert me to islam
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
