had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
