I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
