rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
