put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
