I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
