If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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