I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
even my farts smell like vagina
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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