Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize