He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
