So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
