It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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