went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
