Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
