my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize