Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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