My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
handjob tips. give me some.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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