And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
