im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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