Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
