I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
