K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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