the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
