I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
