$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh god the rape fog is back!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
