There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
