Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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