on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
