I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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