I met the friendliest cop last night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
