i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
