No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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