Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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