How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
