Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Who did Billy Mays play for?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
