She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize