The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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