i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
