if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
