I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
