he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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